Tv Show Episode Scripts-Big Bang Theory Season1- The Middle Earth Paradigm

Tv Show Episode Scripts-Big Bang Theory Season1- The Middle Earth Paradigm



Okay, if no one else was We really sucked at paintball Oh, that was absolutely humiliating Oh, come on.
Some battles you win, some battles you lose.
Yes, but but you don't have to lose to Kyle Burnsteen Barmistva party.
I think we have to acknowledge, those was some fairly savage preadolescent jews.
No, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.
Sheldon, let it go! No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the ck.
I shot you for good reason.
You were leading us into disaster.
I was giving clear, concise orders.
You hid behind a tree yelling, "Get the kid in the yarmulke! Get the kid in the yarmulke!" Oh, hey, guys.
- Oh, hey, Penny.
Hello.
- Morning, ma'am.
So, how was paintball? Did you have fun? Sure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun.
You clear space on your calendar-- there will be an inquiry.
Okay.
Um, hey, I'm having a party on Saturday, so if you guys are around, you should come on by.
- A party? - Yeah.
A "boy-girl" party? Well, there will be boys and there will be girls and it is a party, so It'll just be a bunch of my friends.
We'll have some beer, do a little dancing.
Dancing? Yeah, I don't know, Penny The thing is, we're not - No, we're really more of a -No.
But thanks.
Thanks for thinking of us.
Are you sure? Come on, it's Halloween.
A Halloween party? As in costumes? Well, yeah.
Is there a theme? Um, yeah, Halloween.
Yes, but are the costumes random, or genre-specific? As usual, I'm not following.
He's asking if we can come as anyone from science fiction, fantasy - Sure.
- What about comic books? - Fine.
- Anime? - Of course.
- TV, film, D- and-D, manga, Greek gods, Roman gods, Norse gods-- Anything you want! Okay? Any costume you want.
Bye.
Gentlemen, to the sewing machines.
Season 1 Episode 6: The Middle Earth Paradigm I'll get it.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Make way for the fastest man alive! Oh, no.
See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting.
We all have other costumes: We can change.
Or we could walk right behind each other all night and look like one person going really fast.
No, no, no.
It's a boy-girl party, this flash runs solo.
Okay, how about this? Nobody gets to be The Flash.
We all change.
Agreed? Agreed.
I call Frodo! Damn! Hey.
Sorry I'm late, but my hammer got stuck in the door on the bus.
You went with Thor? What, just because I'm Indian I can't be a Norse god? "No, no, Raj has to be an Indian god.
" That's racism.
I mean look at Wolowitz.
He's not English, but he's dressed like Peter Pan.
Sheldon is neither sound nor light, but he's obviously the Doppler effect.
I'm not Peter Pan.
I'm Robin Hood.
Really? Because I sawPeter Pan, and you're dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby.
She was a little bigger than you, but it's basically the same look, man.
Hey, Sheldon, there's something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party.
I don't care if anybody gets it.
I'm going as the Doppler effect.
- No, it's not that.
- If I have to, I can demonstrate.
Terrific.
this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight.
Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you? Well, for example, tonight, no one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey.
But there's nothing embarrassing about that.
Your father worked with Louis Leakey, a great anthropologist.
It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting.
All m saying is that this party is the perfect opportunity for Penny to see me as a member of her peer group, a potential close 

friend, and perhaps more, and I don't want to look like a dork.
Just a heads up, fellas.
If anyone gets lucky, I've got a dozen condoms in my quiver.
Oh, hey, guys.
Hey.
Sorry we're late.
Late? It's 7:05.
And you said the party starts at 7:00.
Well, yeah, I mean, when you start a party at 7:00, no one shows up at, you know, 7:00.
It's 7:05.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
Okay.
Well, um, come on in.
So, what, are all the girls in the bathroom? Probably, but in their own homes.
So, what time does the costume parade start? The parade? Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume.
You know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visualization of a scientific principal.
Oh, Sheldon, I'm sorry, but there aren't going to be any parades or judges or prizes.
This party is just going to suck.
No! Come on, it's going to be fun, and you all look great.
I mean, look at you, Thor, and, oh, Peter Pan.
That's so cute.
- Actually, Penny, he's Robin Hood.
- I'm Peter Pan.
And I got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it.
No, you don't.
Uh, hey, what's Sheldon supposed to be? Oh, he's the Doppler effect.
Yes.
It's the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer.
Oh, sure, I see it now.
The Doppler effect.
All right, I got to shower.
You guys, um, make yourselves comfortable.
Okay.
See? People get it.
By Odin's beard, this is good Chex mix.
No, thanks.
Peanuts.
I can't afford to swell up in these tights.
I'm confused.
If there's no costume parade, what are we doing here? We're socializing, meeting new people.
Telepathically? Oh, hey, when did you get here? Hi.
Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I've ever seen.
And that includes Halle Berry's.
She's not Catwoman.
She's just a generic cat.
And that's the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competion.
Hey, guys, check out the sexy nurse.
I believe it's time for me to turn my head and cough.
What is your move? I'm going to use the mirror technique.
She brushes her hair back, I brush my hair back She shrugs, I shrug.
Subconsciously she's thinking, "We're in sync.
We belong together.
" Where do you get this stuff? You know, psychology journals, Internet research, and there's this great show on VH-1 about how to 

pick up girls.
Oh, if only I had his confidence.
I have such difficulty speaking to women, or around women or at times even effeminate men.
If that's a working stethoscope, maybe you'd like to hear my heart skip a beat? No, thanks.
No, seriously, you can.
I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.
I want to get to know Penny's friends, I just don't know how to talk to these people.
Well, I actually might be able to help.
How so? Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured.
But patterns emerge.
They have their own language, if you will.
Go on.
Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting, "How wasted am I?" Which is met with an approving 

chorus of "Dude.
" Then what happens? That's as far as I've gotten.
This is ridiculous.
I'm jumping in.
Good luck.
No, you're coming with me.
Oh, I hardly think so.
Oh, come on.
Aren't you afraid I'll embarrass you? Yes; but I need a wing man.
All right, but if we're going to use flight metaphors, I'm much more suited to being the guy from the FAA analyzing wreckage.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
So what are you supposed to be? Me? I'll give you a hint.
A choo-choo train? Close! A brain damaged choo-choo train? How wasted am I? I still don't get it.
I'm the Doppler effect.
Okay, if that's some sort of learning disability, I think it's very insensitive.
Why don't you just tell people you're a zebra? Well, why don't you just tell people you're one of the seven dwarves? Because I'm 

Frodo.
Yes, well, I'm the Doppler effect.
- Oh, no.
- What? That's Penny's ex-boyfriend.
What do you suppose he's doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field.
If he were any bigger, he'd have moons orbiting him.
Oh, snap.
So, I guess we'll be leaving now.
Why should we leave? For all we know he crashed the party and Penny doesn't even want him here.
You have a backup hypothesis? Maybe they want to be friends.
Or maybe she wants to be friends and he wants something more.
Then he and I are on equal ground.
Yes, but you're much closer to it than he is.
Look, if this was 1, 500 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.
And male partners, animal partners, large primordial eggplants-- pretty much whatever tickled his fancy.
Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift.
In the Information Age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males.
We shouldn't have to back down.
True.
Why don't you text him that and see if he backs down? No.
I'm going to assert my dominance face-to-face.
Face-to-face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on the coffee table? Hello, Penny.
Hello, Kurt.
Oh, hey, guys, are you having a good time? Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American 

education system.
What, you're a zebra, right? Yet another child left behind.
And what are you supposed to be, an elf? No, I'm a hobbit.
What's the difference? A hobbit is a mortal halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an elf is an immortal, tall warrior.
So why the hell would you want to be a hobbit? Because he's neither tall nor immortal and none of us could be The Flash.
Well, whatever.
Why don't you go hop off on a quest? I'm talking to Penny here.
I think we're all talking to Penny here.
I'm not.
No offense.
Okay, maybe you didn't hear me.
- Go away.
- All right, Kurt, be nice.
Oh, I am being nice.
Right, little buddy? - Kurt.
- Okay.
I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me.
I mean, you can't compete with me on an intellectual level so you're driven to animalistic puffery.
You calling me a puffy animal? Of course not.
No, he's not.
You're not, right, Leonard? No, I said "animalistic.
" Of course we're all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.
If he understands that, you're in trouble.
So, what, I'm unevolved? You're in trouble.
You know, you use a lot of big words for such a little dwarf.
Okay, Kurt, please.
Penny, it's okay.
I can handle this.
I am not a dwarf, I'm a hobbit.
A hobbit.
Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus preventing the conversion from short-term to long-term memory? Okay, now you're starting 

to make me mad.
A homo habilis discovering his opposable thumbs says what? What? I think I've made my point.
Yeah? How about I make a point out of your pointy little head? Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical 

confrontation, I will be less than useless.
There's not going to be a confrontation.
In fact, I doubt if he can even spell "confrontation.
" C- O-N frontation! Kurt, put him down this instant! He started it! I don't care.
I'm finishing it.
Put him down! Fine.
You're one lucky little leprechaun.
He's a hobbit! I got your back.
Leonard, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
It's good, it's a good party, thanks for having us.
It's just getting a little late, so Oh, okay.
All right, well, thank you for coming.
Happy Halloween.
If it's any consolation, I thought that homo habilis line really put him in his place.
What's that? Tea.
When people are upset, the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages.
There, there.
You want to talk about it? - No.
- Good.
"There, there" was really all I had.
Good night, Sheldon.
Good night, Leonard.
Hey, Leonard? Hi, Penny.
Hey, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
I'm fine.
I am so sorry about what happened.
It's not your fault.
Yes, it is.
That's why I broke up with him.
He always does stuff like that.
So why was he at your party? Well, I ran into him last week and he was just all apologetic about how he's changed.
And he was just going on and on and I believed him and I'm an idiot because I always believe guys like that.
And I can't go back to my party because he's there.
And know you don't want to hear this and I'm upset and I'm really drunk and I just want to There, there.
God, what is wrong with me? Nothing, you're perfect.
I'm not perfect.
Yes, you are.
You really think so, don't you? Penny? Yeah? How much have you had to drink tonight? Just a lot.
Are you sure that your being drunk and your being angry with Kurt doesn't have something to do with what's going on here? It might.
Boy, you're really smart.
Yeah, I'm a frickin' genius.
Leonard, you are so great.
Why can't all guys be like you? Because if all guys were like me, the human race couldn't survive.
I should probably go.
Probably.
Thank you.
That's right, you saw what you saw.
That's how we roll in the Shire.
Coming.
Hey, have you seen Koothrappali? He's not here.
Maybe the Avengers summoned him.
He's not the Marvel Comics Thor, he's the original Norse god.
Thank you for the clarification.
I'm supposed to give him a ride home.
Well, I'm sure he'll be fine.
He has his hammer.
I have to say, you are an amazing man.
You're gentle, and passionate.
And, my God, you are such a good listener.

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Tv Show Episode Scripts-Big Bang Theory Season1- The Hamburger Postulate

Tv Show Episode Scripts-Big Bang Theory Season1- The Hamburger Postulate

All right! I'm moving my infantry division.
Augmented by bataillon of orcs from Lord of the Rings.
We flank the Tennessee volunteers and the North, once again, wins the battle of Gettysburg.
Not so fast! Remember, the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.
No, orcs are magic.
Superman is vulnerable to magic.
Not to mention you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois cavalry and Hulk.
Why don't you just have Robert E.
Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh? - You guys ready to order? - Hang on, honey.
Shiva and Ganesh, the Hindu gods, against the entire Union army? And orcs.
I'll be back.
Excuse me.
Ganesh is the Remover of Obstacles and Shiva is the Destroyer.
When the smoke clears, Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.
My boss says you have to either order or leave and never come back.
What do you recommend for someone who worked up a man-sized appetite from a morning of weight training and cardio funk? A shower.
I'll take the Heart Smart platter.
All right, thank you, and Sheldon? We don't eat here.
I don't know what's good.
- It's all good.
- Statistically unlikely.
Just get a hamburger.
You like hamburgers.
I like hamburgers where we usually have them.
You can't make the assumption that I'll like them here.
I'm sorry.
- Give him a hamburger.
- Which one? The Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger, or the Kobe Burger? Can't we just go to Big Boy? They 

only have one burger the Big Boy.
The Barbecue Burger's like the Big Boy.
Excuse me, in a world that already includes a Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy? Because you're not at Big 

Boy! - Fine, I'll have the Barbecue Burger.
- Make it two.
Waitresses don't yell at you at Big Boy.
Hey, Leonard.
Hi, guys.
Hi, Leslie.
I didn't know you ate here.
We don't.
This is a disturbing aberration.
Leslie, this is Penny.
She lives across the hall from Sheldon and me.
And walks in quiet beauty like the night.
Howard, I've asked you not to do that.
Leslie and I do research together at the university.
Wow, a girl scientist.
Yep, come for the breasts, stay for the brains.
Glad I ran into you.
The Physics Department string quartet needs a new cellist.
What happened to Elliot Wong? He switched over to high-energy radiation research, had a little mishap, and now the other guys are 

uncomfortable sitting next to him.
- You're in? - Yeah, sure, why not? Great, we rehearse on Tuesdays at your place.
Why at my place? Department of Energy said our regular space is kind of a hot zone.
- Nice meeting you.
- Yeah, you, too.
I didn't know you played the cello.
Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in Advanced Placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.
If you're into music, I happen to be a human beatbox.
Really? I'm actually not that into music.
Your friend's really cute.
Anything going on with you two? Leslie? No, no.
- What, are you kidding? - He asked her out once.
It was an embarrassing failure.
- Thank you, Sheldon.
- I'm sorry.
Was that supposed to be a secret? That's too bad.
You guys'd make a cute couple.
Oh, dear.
- What's the matter? - She didn't take my order.
How can she take your order when you're too neurotic to talk to her? Nevertheless, this will be reflected in her tip.
What did Penny mean, "You'd make a cute couple?" I assume she meant the two of you together would constitute a couple that others 

might consider cute.
An alternate and somewhat less likely interpretation is that you could manufacture one.
As in, "Look, Leonard and Leslie made Mr.
and Mrs.
Goldfarb.
Aren't they adorable?" If Penny didn't know that Leslie had turned me down, then it would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, 

thought I should ask her, Leslie, out, indicating that she had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out.
But, because she did know that I had asked Leslie out and that she, Leslie, had turned me down, then she, Penny, could be offering 

consolation.
"That's too bad, you would have made a cute couple," but while thinking: "Good, Leonard remains available.
" You're a lucky man, Leonard.
- How so? - You're talking to one of the three men in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.
Well, what do you think? I said I could follow it.
I didn't say I care.
Season 1 Episode 5: The Hamburger Postulate I admire your fingering.
Thank you.
Maybe sometime you can try that on my instrument.
- G'night, guys.
Good job.
- Thanks.
See you next week.
- That was fun.
Thanks for including me.
- You're welcome.
If you're up for it, we could practice that middle section again.
Sure, why not? Just so we're clear, you understand that me hanging back to practice with you is a pretext for letting you know that 

I'm sexually available.
Really? Yeah, I'm good to go.
I thought you weren't interested in me.
That was before I saw you handling that beautiful piece of wood between your legs.
You mean my cello? No, I mean the obvious, crude, double entendre.
I'm seducing you.
No kidding.
What can I say? I'm a passionate and impulsive woman.
So how about it? Is it the waitress? What about her? I thought I saw your pupils dilate when you looked at her.
Which, unless you're a heroin addict, points to sexual attraction.
I did have a poppy seed bagel for breakfast.
Which could cause a positive urine test for opiates, but certainly not dilate my pupils.
So I guess there was no point in bringing it up.
You and the waitress then.
No no.
There's nothing going on between Penny and me.
So you're open to a sexual relationship? Yeah, yeah, I guess I am.
- Good.
- Yeah, it is.
It is good.
Did you want to start now? Why don't we finish the section first? A little musical foreplay.
Terrific.
I'm good to go.
Me, too.
Hey, Sheldon.
What's going on? I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.
I'm sorry? Semiotics.
The study of signs and symbols.
It's a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.
Okay, sweetie, I know you think you're explaing yourself, but you're really not.
Just come with me.
- Well? - Well, what? What does it mean? Oh, come on, you went to college.
Yes, but I was 11.
All right, look, a tie on the doorknob usually means someone doesn't want to be disturbed because, they're you know, gettin' busy.
So you're saying Leonard has a girl in there? Well, either that or he's lost his tie rack and gotten really into Bryan Adams.
Oh, Leonard, you magnificent beast.
We really shouldn't be standing here.
This is very awkward.
Oh, come on, Leonard's had girls over before, right? Yes, but there's usually planning, courtship, advance notice Last time, I was 

able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse.
You had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex? I didn't have to.
The dates just happened to coincide.
So, do you know who's in there? Well, there's Leonard.
And he's either with Leslie Winkle or a 1930s gangster.
Good for him.
Good for Leonard.
Okay, g'night.
No, no, wait, hold on.
What's the matter? I don't know what the protocol is here.
Do I stay? Do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage? You're asking the wrong girl.
I'm usually on the other side of the tie.
Hi, Leonard? It's me, Sheldon In the living room.
I just I wanted you to know I saw the tie.
Message received.
You're welcome.
You carry on.
Give my best to Leslie.
Big Boy Someone touched my board.
Oh, God, my board! Hey, what's the matter? My equations, someone's tampered with my equations.
- Are you sure? - Of course I am.
Look at the beta function of quantum chromodynamics.
The sign's been changed.
Oh, yeah.
But doesn't that fix the problem you've been having? Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you-- Look! That fixes the 

problem I've been having.
You're welcome.
You did this? I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water.
So I fixed it.
Now you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies.
Pretty cool, huh? "Cool"? Listen, I've got to get to the lab.
Thanks for a great night.
Thank you.
I'll see you at work.
Hold on.
Hold on! - What? - Who told you you could touch my board? No one.
I don't come into your house and touch your board.
There are no incorrect equations on my board.
Oh, that is so so Sorry, I've got to run.
If you come up with an adjective, text me.
Inconsiderate.
That is the adjective, "inconsiderate.
" You can stare at your board all day.
She's still going to be right.
I'm not staring, I'm hauling.
So how's it going? Pretty good.
Just pretty good? I'd think you were doing very good.
Pretty, very there's really no objective scale for delineating variations of "good.
" Why do you ask? Well, a little bird told me that you and Leslie hooked up last night.
So, is it serious? Do you like her? I don't That's really two different questions.
I'm not Sheldon, we have to go! You're wound awfully tight for a man who's just had sexual intercourse.
All right, I'll talk to you later, but I am so happy for you.
Thank you.
What did she mean she's happy for me? Is she happy that I'm seeing someone? Or is she happy because she thinks that I am? Because 

anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy.
Even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy.
Because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person.
Do you realize I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call? You know what? I'm being ridiculous.
Who cares what Penny thinks? Leslie is a terrific girl.
She's attractive.
We like each other.
She's extremely intelligent - She's not that intelligent.
- She fixed your equation.
- She got lucky.
- You don't believe in luck.
I don't have to believe in it for her to be lucky.
Regardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Leslie.
I'm not going to pass that up for some hypothetical future of happiness with a woman who may or may not want me to be happy, with a 

woman who is currently making me happy.
I still don't care.
Careful, Leonard.
Liquid nitrogen, Why are you smashing a flash-frozen banana? Because I got a bowl of Cheerios and I couldn't find a knife.
So anyway Hello.
What are you doing? Just extending the intimacy.
Do you want to slip over to the radiation lab and share a decontamination shower? What exactly do you think's going on between us? 

I'm not sure, but I think I'm about to discover how the banana felt.
Listen, neither of us are neuroscientists, but we both understand the biochemistry of sex.
I mean, dopamine in our brains is released across synapses, causing pleasure.
You stick electrodes in a rat's brain, give him an orgasm button, he'll push that thing until he starves to death.
Well, who wouldn't? Well, the only difference between us and the rat is that you can't stick an electrode in our hypothalamus.
That's where you come in.
Yeah, well, I'm just glad to be a part of it.
So what happens now? I don't know about your sex drive, but I'm probably good till New Year's.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
You want to make plans for New Year's? Please.
You're smothering me.
Look.
It's Dr.
Stud! Dr.
What? The blogosphere is a-buzzin' with news of you and Leslie Winkle making eine kleine bang-bang musik.
How did it get on the Internet? I put it there.
How did you know about it? A little bird told us.
Apparently, you are a magnificent beast.
That part's true.
I think I may have misjudged this restaurant.
- No kidding.
- I don't want to go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger.
Your old Tuesday hamburger will be so brokenhearted.
Way ahead of you.
I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Souplantation.
Really? The name always confused me anyway.
Souplantation.
You can't grow soup.
So, how's everything? Terrific.
You'll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.
Really? Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table? I don't know A psychiatrist? So, hey, how are things with you and 

Leslie? To be honest, I don't think it's going to work out.
Oh, that's too bad.
Hey, don't worry.
I'm sure there's someone out there who's just right for you.
What did she mean by that?! Was that just a generic platitude, or was that a subtle bid for attention? You know why this hamburger 

surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single-decker hamburger, whereas the Big Boy is a double-decker.
This has a much more satisfying meat-to-bun-to-condiment ratio.
Are you even listening to me? Of course, I'm listening.
Blah, blah, hopeless Penny delusion Okay, then.
You know, you can grow the ingredients for soup.

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Tv Show Episode (soap opera)Scripts-Big Bang Theory Season1- The Luminous Fish Effect (빅뱅이론 시즌1 영어 대본)

Tv Show Episode Scripts-Big Bang Theory Season1-
The Luminous Fish Effect

You know, I've been thinking about timetravel again.
Why? Did you hit a roadblock with invisibility? Put it on a backburner.
Anyway.
It occurs to me, If I have ever did perfect time machine, I'd just go into the past and give 

it to myself.
That's eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.
Interesting.
Yeah, it really kicks the pressure off.
Sounds like a breakthrough.
Should I call Science Magazine and tell them to hold the cover? It's time travel, I will 

have already done that.
Then I guess congratulations are in order.
No, congratulations will have been in order.
You know, I am not going to enjoy this party.
I know, I'm familiar with you.
The last department party, Professor Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 

45 minutes.
Yes, I was there.
You know what's interesting about caves? - What? - Nothing.
Then we'll avoid him, we'll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand 

and go.
How's this? "Pleased to meet you, Dr.
Gablehauser.
"How fortunate for you that the university's "chosen to hire you, despite the fact "that 

you've done no original research in 25 years, "and instead have written a series of popular 

books "that reduce the great concepts of science "to a series of anecdotes, "each one dumbed 

down to accommodate the duration "of an average bowel movement.
Mahalo.
" "Mahalo's" a nice touch.
You know there only eight consonants in Hawaiian language? Interesting.
You should lead with that.
Oh, God, look at this buffet.
I love America.
You don't have buffets in India? Of course, but it's all Indian food.
You can't find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life.
Shmear me.
- Here's an interesting turn of events.
- What? Howard brought a date? A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has 

made an amazing leap forward.
Hey, what up, science bitches? May I introduce my special lady friend Summer? - I told you 

touching's extra.
- Right.
Sorry.
Here comes our new boss.
Be polite.
Hi, fellas.
Eric Gablehauser.
Howard Wolowitz.
Nice to meet you.
And you are? An actualrealscientist.
How was that? I can't believe he fired me.
Well, you did call him a glorified high school science teacher whose last successful 

experiment was lighting his own farts.
In my defense, I prefaced that by saying, "With all due respect.
" Season 1 Episode 4: The Luminous Fish Effect Morning.
Morning.
You're making eggs for breakfast? This isn't breakfast, it's an experiment.
'Cause it looks a lot like breakfast.
I finally have time to test my hypothesis about the separation of the water molecules from 

the egg proteins and its impact vis-a-vis taste.
Sounds yummy.
I look forward to your work with bacon.
As do I.
You know, I'm sure if you just apologize to Gablehauser, he would give you your job back.
I don't want my job back.
I've spent the past three and a half years staring at grease boards full of equations.
Before that, I spent four years working on my thesis.
Before that, I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade.
This is my first day off in decades and I'm going to savor it.
I'll let you get back to fixing your eggs.
Not just fixing my eggs, I'm fixing everyone's eggs.
And we all thank you.
Use new eggs.
I'm running out to the market.
You need anything? This would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the 

law of large numbers would call a coincidence.
- I'm sorry? - I need eggs.
Four dozen should suffice.
- Four dozen? - Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free-range, large, extra 

large and jumbo.
Okay, one more time.
Never mind.
You won't get it right.
I'd better come with you.
How come you didn't go into work today? I'm taking a sabbatical because I won't kowtow to 

mediocre minds.
So you got canned, huh? Theoretical physicists do not get canned but yeah.
Maybe it's all for the best.
I always say when one door closes, another one opens.
No, it doesn't.
Not unless the two doors are connected by relays - or there are motion sensors involved.
- No, I meant Or if the first door closing creates a change of air pressure that acts upon 

the second door.
Never mind.
Slow down.
- Please, slow down! - We're fine! You're not leaving yourself enough space between cars.
- Oh, sure, I am.
- No, let me do the math for you.
This car weighs, let's say 4,000 pounds.
Now add 140 for me, I'm sorry.
Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth? Well, yeah.
Interesting.
Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let's say 4,400 pounds.
Let's say 4,390.
Fine.
We're traveling forward at-- good Lord-- 51 miles an hour.
Let's assume that your brakes are new and the calipers are aligned.
Still, by the time we come to a stop, we'll be occupying the same space as that Buick in 

front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation Oh, 

look, they built a new putt-putt course.
This is great.
Look at me.
I'm in the real world of ordinary people just living their ordinary, colorless workaday 

lives.
Thank you.
No, thankyou.
And thank you, ordinary person.
You want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes? No, not really.
Listen, didn't you say you need some eggs? Yes, but anyone who knows anything about the 

dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated food on the way out of the 

supermarket.
Okay, then maybe you should start heading on out then.
No, this is fun.
Oh, the thing about tomatoes-- and I think you'll really enjoy this-- is they're shelved 

with the vegetables, but they're technically a fruit.
- Interesting.
- Isn't it? No, I mean what you find enjoyable.
Oh, boy.
What now? Well, there's some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only 

absorb so much.
What you're buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine.
Well, maybe that's what I was going for.
Then you'll want some manganese.
That was fun.
Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores.
Oh, I don't know.
It's going to take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today.
Are you sure? There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk.
For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one-month supply at a time.
What? Think about it.
It's a product that doesn't spoil and you're going to be needing them for at least the next 

30 years.
You want me to buy 30 years worth of tampons? Well, 30, 35.
When did your mother go into menopause? I'm not talking about this with you.
This is a natural human process, and we're talking about statistically significant savings.
Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28-day cycle Are you fairly regular? Okay, no 

warehouse store, but we're still on for putt-putt golf, right? Hey, I just ran into Penny.
She seemed upset about something.
I think it's her time of the month.
I marked the calendar for future reference.
What's with the fish? It's an experiment.
What happened to your scrambled egg research? Oh, that was a dead end.
Scrambled eggs are as good as they're ever going to be.
So fish? I read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous 

jellyfish into other animals, and I thought, "Hey, fish nightlights.
" Fish nightlights? It's a billion-dollar idea.
Mum's the word.
Are you sure you don't want to just apologize to Gablehauser and get your job back? No, I 

have too much to do.
Like luminous fish.
I'm sorry.
I didn't That's just the beginning.
I also have an idea for a bulk mail-order feminine hygiene company.
Oh, glow-in-the-dark tampons! Leonard, we're gonna be rich.
Thanks for coming on such short notice.
- You did the right thing calling.
- I didn't know what else to do.
He's lost all focus.
Every day he's got a new obsession.
This is a particularly disturbing one.
Mommy? Hi, baby! Oh, you got yourself a loom? How nice! Thank you.
Honey, why'd you get a loom? I was working with luminous fish, and I thought "loom.
" Mom, what are you doing here? Leonard called me.
I know, but why? Because one of the great minds of the 21st century is raising glow-in-the-

dark fish and weaving serapes.
This is not a serape, this is a poncho.
A serape is open at the sides; a poncho is closed.
This is a poncho.
And neither is a reason to call someone'smother.
Really? When was the last time you left the house? I went to the market with Penny.
That was three weeks ago.
Well, then buckle up.
In the next four to eight days she's going to get very crabby.
Sweetheart, your little friend is concerned about you.
Yes, well, I'm not a child-- I'm a grown man, capable of living my life as I see fit.
And I certainly don't need someone telling on me to my mother! Wait, where are you going? To 

my room.
And no one's allowed in! He gets his temper from his daddy.
He's got my eyes.
I see.
All that science stuff, that comes from Jesus.
- Sheldon, your mom made dinner.
- I'm not hungry! Don't trouble yourself.
He's stubborn.
He may stay in there till the Rapture.
We so sure that's abadthing? I tell you, I love the boy to death, but he has been difficult 

since he fell out of me at the K-Mart.
Excuse me for being so bold, but I now see where Sheldon gets his smoldering good looks.
Honey, that ain't gonna work, but you keep tryin'.
I made chicken.
I hope that isn't one of the animals that you people think is magic.
You know, we have an Indian gentleman at our church, a Dr.
Patel-- It's a beautiful story.
The Lord spoke to him and moved him to give us all 20% off on Lasik-- You know, those that 

needed it.
That is a lovely story.
Are we gonna do anything about Sheldon? Oh, we will.
You have to take your time with Sheldon.
His father, God rest his soul, used to always say to me, "Mary, you have to take your time 

with Sheldon.
" - Sounds like a wise man.
- Oh, not so wise.
He once tried to fight a bobcat for some licorice.
So, everybody grab a plate and a pretty place mat that Shelly wove.
Has Shelly ever freaked out like this before? Oh, all the time.
I remember one summer when he was 13, he built a small nuclear reactor in the shed and told 

everybody he was gonna provide free electricity for the whole town.
Well, the only problem was, he had no what you call "fissionable" materials.
Anyway, when he went on the Internets to get some, a man from the government came by and sat 

him down real gentle, and told him it's against the law to have yellow-cake uranium in a 

shed.
- What happened? - Well, poor boy had a fit.
Locked himself in his room and built a sonic death ray.
A death ray? That's what he called it.
Didn't even slow down the neighbor kids.
It pissed our dog off to no end.
You know, you two make a cute couple.
No.
We're not we're not-not a couple.
We're singles.
Two singles.
Like those individuly wrapped slices of cheese that We're friends.
- Did I pluck a nerve there? - Oh, yeah.
All right, everybody, it's time to eat.
Oh, Lord, we thank You for this meal and all of Your bounty.
And we pray that You help Sheldon get back on his rocker.
Now, after a moment of silent meditation, I'm gonna end with "In Jesus' name," but you two 

don't feel any obligation to join in.
Unless, of course, the Holy Spirit moves you.
Oh, my God, this is the best cobbler I've ever had.
It was always Sheldon's favorite.
You know what the secret ingredient is? - Love? - Lard.
Hey, look who's come You'll spook him.
He's like a baby deer.
You got to let him come to you.
This is ridiculous.
Damn it, Sheldon, snap out of it! You're a physicist-- You belong at the university doing 

research, not hiding in your room! You don't hunt, do you? Good morning, snickerdoodle.
Morning.
Well, that looks awful fancy.
What is that? It's my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon-based life-form.
But intelligently designed by a creator, right? What do you want, Mom? You know how your 

daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of 

dynamite in the water? Well, I'm done fishing.
You put those on.
- What for? - Because you're gonna go down to your office, you're gonna apologize to your 

boss and get your job back.
No.
I'm sorry, did I start that sentence with the words, "If it please Your Highness"? I'm not 

going to apologize-- I didn't say anything that wasn't true.
Now, you listen here.
I have been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than 

everybody, but you can't go around pointing it out.
- Why not? - Because people don't like it! Remember all the ass-kickings you got from the 

neighbor kids? Now, let's get crackin'.
Shower, shirt, shoes, and let's shove off.
There wouldn't have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had worked.
Problem solved.
Really? That's impressive.
Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle.
Thankfully, He blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup.
Excuse me, Dr.
Gablehauser, are you busy? - Well, actually - Sheldon, he's just doodlin'.
Get in here.
Let's go, baby.
We're losing daylight.
As you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter, we may have gotten off on the wrong 

foot when I called you an idiot.
And I just wanted to say that I was wrong to point it out.
I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced.
Sheldon's mom.
Now, that's impossible! You must have had him when you were a teenager.
Oh, aren't you sweet.
His father's dead.
- Recently? - Long enough.
Please.
Sheldon, shouldn't you be working? Hey, how did it go? I got my job back.
Really? What happened? I'm not quite sure.
It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me.
That narrows it down.
I'm very proud of you honey.
You showed a lot of courage today.
Thanks, Mom.
Is Dr.
Gablehauser going to be my new daddy? We'll see.
Sleep tight.


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