Tv Show Episode Scripts-Big Bang Theory Season1-
The Luminous Fish Effect
You know, I've been thinking about timetravel again.
Why? Did you hit a roadblock with invisibility? Put it on a backburner.
Anyway.
It occurs to me, If I have ever did perfect time machine, I'd just go into the past and give
it to myself.
That's eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.
Interesting.
Yeah, it really kicks the pressure off.
Sounds like a breakthrough.
Should I call Science Magazine and tell them to hold the cover? It's time travel, I will
have already done that.
Then I guess congratulations are in order.
No, congratulations will have been in order.
You know, I am not going to enjoy this party.
I know, I'm familiar with you.
The last department party, Professor Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for
45 minutes.
Yes, I was there.
You know what's interesting about caves? - What? - Nothing.
Then we'll avoid him, we'll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand
and go.
How's this? "Pleased to meet you, Dr.
Gablehauser.
"How fortunate for you that the university's "chosen to hire you, despite the fact "that
you've done no original research in 25 years, "and instead have written a series of popular
books "that reduce the great concepts of science "to a series of anecdotes, "each one dumbed
down to accommodate the duration "of an average bowel movement.
Mahalo.
" "Mahalo's" a nice touch.
You know there only eight consonants in Hawaiian language? Interesting.
You should lead with that.
Oh, God, look at this buffet.
I love America.
You don't have buffets in India? Of course, but it's all Indian food.
You can't find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life.
Shmear me.
- Here's an interesting turn of events.
- What? Howard brought a date? A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has
made an amazing leap forward.
Hey, what up, science bitches? May I introduce my special lady friend Summer? - I told you
touching's extra.
- Right.
Sorry.
Here comes our new boss.
Be polite.
Hi, fellas.
Eric Gablehauser.
Howard Wolowitz.
Nice to meet you.
And you are? An actualrealscientist.
How was that? I can't believe he fired me.
Well, you did call him a glorified high school science teacher whose last successful
experiment was lighting his own farts.
In my defense, I prefaced that by saying, "With all due respect.
" Season 1 Episode 4: The Luminous Fish Effect Morning.
Morning.
You're making eggs for breakfast? This isn't breakfast, it's an experiment.
'Cause it looks a lot like breakfast.
I finally have time to test my hypothesis about the separation of the water molecules from
the egg proteins and its impact vis-a-vis taste.
Sounds yummy.
I look forward to your work with bacon.
As do I.
You know, I'm sure if you just apologize to Gablehauser, he would give you your job back.
I don't want my job back.
I've spent the past three and a half years staring at grease boards full of equations.
Before that, I spent four years working on my thesis.
Before that, I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade.
This is my first day off in decades and I'm going to savor it.
I'll let you get back to fixing your eggs.
Not just fixing my eggs, I'm fixing everyone's eggs.
And we all thank you.
Use new eggs.
I'm running out to the market.
You need anything? This would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the
law of large numbers would call a coincidence.
- I'm sorry? - I need eggs.
Four dozen should suffice.
- Four dozen? - Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free-range, large, extra
large and jumbo.
Okay, one more time.
Never mind.
You won't get it right.
I'd better come with you.
How come you didn't go into work today? I'm taking a sabbatical because I won't kowtow to
mediocre minds.
So you got canned, huh? Theoretical physicists do not get canned but yeah.
Maybe it's all for the best.
I always say when one door closes, another one opens.
No, it doesn't.
Not unless the two doors are connected by relays - or there are motion sensors involved.
- No, I meant Or if the first door closing creates a change of air pressure that acts upon
the second door.
Never mind.
Slow down.
- Please, slow down! - We're fine! You're not leaving yourself enough space between cars.
- Oh, sure, I am.
- No, let me do the math for you.
This car weighs, let's say 4,000 pounds.
Now add 140 for me, I'm sorry.
Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth? Well, yeah.
Interesting.
Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let's say 4,400 pounds.
Let's say 4,390.
Fine.
We're traveling forward at-- good Lord-- 51 miles an hour.
Let's assume that your brakes are new and the calipers are aligned.
Still, by the time we come to a stop, we'll be occupying the same space as that Buick in
front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation Oh,
look, they built a new putt-putt course.
This is great.
Look at me.
I'm in the real world of ordinary people just living their ordinary, colorless workaday
lives.
Thank you.
No, thankyou.
And thank you, ordinary person.
You want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes? No, not really.
Listen, didn't you say you need some eggs? Yes, but anyone who knows anything about the
dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated food on the way out of the
supermarket.
Okay, then maybe you should start heading on out then.
No, this is fun.
Oh, the thing about tomatoes-- and I think you'll really enjoy this-- is they're shelved
with the vegetables, but they're technically a fruit.
- Interesting.
- Isn't it? No, I mean what you find enjoyable.
Oh, boy.
What now? Well, there's some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only
absorb so much.
What you're buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine.
Well, maybe that's what I was going for.
Then you'll want some manganese.
That was fun.
Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores.
Oh, I don't know.
It's going to take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today.
Are you sure? There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk.
For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one-month supply at a time.
What? Think about it.
It's a product that doesn't spoil and you're going to be needing them for at least the next
30 years.
You want me to buy 30 years worth of tampons? Well, 30, 35.
When did your mother go into menopause? I'm not talking about this with you.
This is a natural human process, and we're talking about statistically significant savings.
Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28-day cycle Are you fairly regular? Okay, no
warehouse store, but we're still on for putt-putt golf, right? Hey, I just ran into Penny.
She seemed upset about something.
I think it's her time of the month.
I marked the calendar for future reference.
What's with the fish? It's an experiment.
What happened to your scrambled egg research? Oh, that was a dead end.
Scrambled eggs are as good as they're ever going to be.
So fish? I read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous
jellyfish into other animals, and I thought, "Hey, fish nightlights.
" Fish nightlights? It's a billion-dollar idea.
Mum's the word.
Are you sure you don't want to just apologize to Gablehauser and get your job back? No, I
have too much to do.
Like luminous fish.
I'm sorry.
I didn't That's just the beginning.
I also have an idea for a bulk mail-order feminine hygiene company.
Oh, glow-in-the-dark tampons! Leonard, we're gonna be rich.
Thanks for coming on such short notice.
- You did the right thing calling.
- I didn't know what else to do.
He's lost all focus.
Every day he's got a new obsession.
This is a particularly disturbing one.
Mommy? Hi, baby! Oh, you got yourself a loom? How nice! Thank you.
Honey, why'd you get a loom? I was working with luminous fish, and I thought "loom.
" Mom, what are you doing here? Leonard called me.
I know, but why? Because one of the great minds of the 21st century is raising glow-in-the-
dark fish and weaving serapes.
This is not a serape, this is a poncho.
A serape is open at the sides; a poncho is closed.
This is a poncho.
And neither is a reason to call someone'smother.
Really? When was the last time you left the house? I went to the market with Penny.
That was three weeks ago.
Well, then buckle up.
In the next four to eight days she's going to get very crabby.
Sweetheart, your little friend is concerned about you.
Yes, well, I'm not a child-- I'm a grown man, capable of living my life as I see fit.
And I certainly don't need someone telling on me to my mother! Wait, where are you going? To
my room.
And no one's allowed in! He gets his temper from his daddy.
He's got my eyes.
I see.
All that science stuff, that comes from Jesus.
- Sheldon, your mom made dinner.
- I'm not hungry! Don't trouble yourself.
He's stubborn.
He may stay in there till the Rapture.
We so sure that's abadthing? I tell you, I love the boy to death, but he has been difficult
since he fell out of me at the K-Mart.
Excuse me for being so bold, but I now see where Sheldon gets his smoldering good looks.
Honey, that ain't gonna work, but you keep tryin'.
I made chicken.
I hope that isn't one of the animals that you people think is magic.
You know, we have an Indian gentleman at our church, a Dr.
Patel-- It's a beautiful story.
The Lord spoke to him and moved him to give us all 20% off on Lasik-- You know, those that
needed it.
That is a lovely story.
Are we gonna do anything about Sheldon? Oh, we will.
You have to take your time with Sheldon.
His father, God rest his soul, used to always say to me, "Mary, you have to take your time
with Sheldon.
" - Sounds like a wise man.
- Oh, not so wise.
He once tried to fight a bobcat for some licorice.
So, everybody grab a plate and a pretty place mat that Shelly wove.
Has Shelly ever freaked out like this before? Oh, all the time.
I remember one summer when he was 13, he built a small nuclear reactor in the shed and told
everybody he was gonna provide free electricity for the whole town.
Well, the only problem was, he had no what you call "fissionable" materials.
Anyway, when he went on the Internets to get some, a man from the government came by and sat
him down real gentle, and told him it's against the law to have yellow-cake uranium in a
shed.
- What happened? - Well, poor boy had a fit.
Locked himself in his room and built a sonic death ray.
A death ray? That's what he called it.
Didn't even slow down the neighbor kids.
It pissed our dog off to no end.
You know, you two make a cute couple.
No.
We're not we're not-not a couple.
We're singles.
Two singles.
Like those individuly wrapped slices of cheese that We're friends.
- Did I pluck a nerve there? - Oh, yeah.
All right, everybody, it's time to eat.
Oh, Lord, we thank You for this meal and all of Your bounty.
And we pray that You help Sheldon get back on his rocker.
Now, after a moment of silent meditation, I'm gonna end with "In Jesus' name," but you two
don't feel any obligation to join in.
Unless, of course, the Holy Spirit moves you.
Oh, my God, this is the best cobbler I've ever had.
It was always Sheldon's favorite.
You know what the secret ingredient is? - Love? - Lard.
Hey, look who's come You'll spook him.
He's like a baby deer.
You got to let him come to you.
This is ridiculous.
Damn it, Sheldon, snap out of it! You're a physicist-- You belong at the university doing
research, not hiding in your room! You don't hunt, do you? Good morning, snickerdoodle.
Morning.
Well, that looks awful fancy.
What is that? It's my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon-based life-form.
But intelligently designed by a creator, right? What do you want, Mom? You know how your
daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of
dynamite in the water? Well, I'm done fishing.
You put those on.
- What for? - Because you're gonna go down to your office, you're gonna apologize to your
boss and get your job back.
No.
I'm sorry, did I start that sentence with the words, "If it please Your Highness"? I'm not
going to apologize-- I didn't say anything that wasn't true.
Now, you listen here.
I have been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than
everybody, but you can't go around pointing it out.
- Why not? - Because people don't like it! Remember all the ass-kickings you got from the
neighbor kids? Now, let's get crackin'.
Shower, shirt, shoes, and let's shove off.
There wouldn't have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had worked.
Problem solved.
Really? That's impressive.
Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle.
Thankfully, He blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup.
Excuse me, Dr.
Gablehauser, are you busy? - Well, actually - Sheldon, he's just doodlin'.
Get in here.
Let's go, baby.
We're losing daylight.
As you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter, we may have gotten off on the wrong
foot when I called you an idiot.
And I just wanted to say that I was wrong to point it out.
I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced.
Sheldon's mom.
Now, that's impossible! You must have had him when you were a teenager.
Oh, aren't you sweet.
His father's dead.
- Recently? - Long enough.
Please.
Sheldon, shouldn't you be working? Hey, how did it go? I got my job back.
Really? What happened? I'm not quite sure.
It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me.
That narrows it down.
I'm very proud of you honey.
You showed a lot of courage today.
Thanks, Mom.
Is Dr.
Gablehauser going to be my new daddy? We'll see.
Sleep tight.
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